* Two Cows *
FEUDALISM: You have two
cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes
them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the
cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The
government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared
for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from
the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and
as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both,
hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help
you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take
care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes
both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government
fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes
both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who
gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your
neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you
two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them
sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government
regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk
them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the
drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at
a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three
of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk
rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands
company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows'
milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans
you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt
a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes
them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the
concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering,
intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two
cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you
to take harmonica lessons.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a
bull. You make a lot of cows, and a lot of money.