Quotes by Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
The sky already fell. Now what?
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. -
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." -
"So, do you live around here often?"
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... -
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.